Pestecostal Anonymous
I once spent a day with Pestecostal Anonymous, a rehabilitation programme for Pestecostals who left their brains at the church door when they discovered Jesus. The following statements were made by sufferers of pestecostalism at the session they were kind enough to let me attend. My heartfelt thanks to the staff and sufferers of Pestecostal Anonymous, Schmuckville, for allowing me to witness their pain and share their hopes of retrieving their brains exactly where they left it-at the church door. May God richly amplify your cranium.
I thought…I thought Jesus would take care of everything. I didn’t know running up a credit card bill without the means to repay wasn’t part of the deal! No one told me! I thought we weren’t supposed to worry about tomorrow…I booked the 3 holidays in faith and took out loans to pay for them because Jesus is in control, I mean, that’s what the Bible says, right? Do…do…do you think I can get my tithes back?
It was the Holy Spirit. The Bible says that we will hear a voice telling us the way to walk and I did. I heard a voice and it told me to go Vanuatu. So I did. By myself. I didn’t know I was supposed to run it through my pastor or even to wait for God to confirm His Word. I went in faith by myself and I came back within two weeks. By myself and with my sanity just about intact. And now, this same voice is telling me to go Chad. Anyone know where Chad is? Anyone…a..anyone?
The earth is the Lord’s and all that is in it. The Word says that we should take dominion and subdue the earth and that is what I was doing. I was taking marijuana, you know, asserting my dominion. I mean, it’s natural, it’s a herb and God made it, right? That’s what the leader of The Fellowship of Cross Marijuanas said. I believed him because, well, he’s the leader and he knows the Bible. I don’t and I didn’t see any reason why I ought have read the Bible for myself. The leader also said we didn’t have to worry about sin too much because all we had to do was ask for forgiveness and because God blots out our sins, a new sin would be a new one because God doesn’t keep a tally of forgiven sins. Look at me, I can’t even get out of bed unless I’ve a smoke. I need it. I need it…I need it to survive. Speaker’s voice sinks into a whisper.
I still don’t understand what happened. All I did was remind him about his responsibilities as the head of the family. I’ve always done that. Money was tight, it was the new school year and he still hadn’t found a job. What was I supposed to do, fold my arms? I had to do something, you know? So I started cutting out job adverts from the papers and applying for jobs on his behalf. He was so mad when he found out. Said he was under enough pressure without me being the man. Can you believe that? I didn’t know what to do so I went to the pastor. For prayer, you understand and then he found out and got even madder. Said I was telling everyone our business. Everyone! As if! Just the pastoral board, the prayer team, my cell group leader, our children’s school, the online prayer network, my parents and I can’t remember who else. And of course my parents wanted to help. I’m the only child you know. Why are you looking at me like that? I was in need of support! He’s moved out now. I…I...think he’s seeing someone else.
God looks at the heart. I just don’t understand what the big deal is about my weight. Sure I wheeze all the time, sure my ankles are swollen and yes, there are times I can barely breathe but at least I don’t worship my body, unlike some people. As if slimness is a requisite for a healthy mind and body. My doctor reckons I’m heading for heart problems brought on by excess weight. What does he know? By His stripes we were healed! Me? Heart problems? Never! I’m a born again, tongue lashing and demon kicking temple of the Holy Ghost! That’s why it’s important to know the Word. That way, we can’t be deceived. Hold on…I feel faint…someone call 999!
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